I've always been a little jealous of guys that can grow a good beard. My inherent lack of manliness does not allow me grow a decent beard. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to grow the mother of all beards to hide my ever-growing turkey neck. But I can't. It just starts off all patchy and ends up looking like someone super-glued a bag of pubes to my face as a practical joke. No one wins when I grow a beard.
There are obviously many different types of beards - ones that look like you always have 5 o'clock shadow (think Matthew Fox on Lost), ones that are neatly trimmed, big scraggly ones, and fluffy juicy ones. That's right, I said juicy. Some beards can absolutely be juicy. They're the ones that look like if you walked up to them and tried to wring them out like a wet towel, little droplets of beard juice would come sliding out. That's what beard juice does...it slides out in little droplets.
I want to take a second to honor those men that I believe have the juiciest, slidey-est beards of all time.
10.) James Harden
It's not so much the size as it is the fluffiness.
9.) Jason Mamoa
That beard just looks like there's some juice living in there.
8.) Saddam Hussien
Bad guy. Juicey beard.
7.) Santa Claus
Ho ho holy beard juice! Now, it can't be one of those really terrible knock-off mall Santa's with the super fake beard. I'm talking about the real Big Guy himself. I bet the beard juice just comes sliding right off as he's darting all over the world on Christmas Eve.
6.) Will Forte in Last Man on Earth
This looks like it would be a sloppy beard. I feel like if you tried to wring this one out, juice would just be sliding out all over the place.
5.) Fidel Castro
He may have suppressed the Cuban people, but that's just a wet looking beard. And by wet, I mean wetttttt.
4.) David Letterman
One of my all-time heroes. A comedic genius with a beard so fluffy, it would make Santa jealous.
3.) The ZZ Top Guys
Juice City. And let's not forget one of the greatest fun-facts of all time...the one member of ZZ Top that does not have a beard is named Frank BEARD.
2.) Leonardo Da Vinci
Wicked big beard. Wicked Juicy.
And now for the man who is the Captain of Team Beard Juice. The all-time leader in juice...
Tom Hanks in Cast Away
How do you think he stayed alive on that island for so long? A healthy diet of fish and beard juice. I don't think the beard juice ever stopped flowing. Just constantly sliding down his Hanks Cheeks.
* In case you're wondering, here's a list of beards that I would say are actually NOT as juicy as you would expect:
- Hagrid
- Jesus H. Christ
- Mr. T
- Charles Darwin
- Bearded Dragons
- Gandalf The Grey (Gandalf The White's beard would actually be kind of juicy. That's where his extra power comes from. Obviously.)
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