I was watching the old Rudolph claymation Christmas special the other day, and it dawned on me. Santa was sort of a jerk. And while we're at it, apparently so is everyone else in the North Pole. They find ONE thing different about you, and they all turn into a bunch of a-holes.
Have a red nose? You can't play with us.
Want to be a dentist? You can just get the hell out of here.
Are you way bigger than everyone else and can't build 400 etch-a-sketch's in a minute?? Take your giant elf body and go cry to Papa Elf. (not even the same movie but they're still a bunch of jerks)
As the saying goes, The Fish Rots From the Head. No wonder all of the elves and reindeer are such pricks, because Santa is setting a pretty high standard for being a total diiiiick. For example, the elves had been working hard on their new song (which is awesome by the way), and Santa just says, "Hmmm...well...it needs work. I have to go." Then he just gets up and walks out.
We knew all of the other reindeer were all ass hats based on the Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer song, with them calling him names and not letting him play their games. But there isn't one single song out there about how Santa is the worst one of them all. Probably because he would chop them up and feed them to their families if he ever heard anyone say something bad about him. He's basically the head of The North Pole Mafia.
Even in other movies - Santa is portrayed as a total turd muffin. Elf? Not only does the fake Santa smell like beef and cheese, he starts a fight with Buddy. And the real Santa in that movie?? What a grumpy wad of butt wipes that guy is. The sleigh crashes, he's ready to fight people, he gives up on the entire idea of Christmas spirit...just not a good look at all.
How about the Santa in The Christmas Story?? The one at the department store?? He's obviously drunk, he totally denies Ralphie's one and only Christmas wish, then he literally KICKS him in the face.
But then the second he wants something, here comes Mr. Beardy Sweet Talker. "Oh..Rudolph with your nose so bright...won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" Rudolph should have turned around and taken a big old reindeer dump on his stupid black boots.
I tell my kids they have to be nice to each other or Santa will put them on the Naughty List. One of these days, I can see one of them saying, "but Dad, Santa isn't nice to anyone in the movies. Why can't I just do whatever I want and treat people however I want?? Santa gets to." I would have no comeback for that. I would just give my kid a nod of approval and let them go unleash the hell and fury I know they are capable of. And then buy them a puppy with a big, red bow on it. Because according to Santa, that's the true meaning of Christmas.
Comments