Grading Road Signs

I was driving the other day and came across this road sign:

This got me thinking about how stupid road signs really are. My issue with this sign wasn’t even with the message. I get it. Loud and clear. Uneven road coming up, so I should pick a lane and stay committed to that fucker, otherwise I’m gonna get that feeling like my car is gonna go flippity flip next time I change lanes. Got it.

My problem with this sign is the actual car itself. What the hell kind of car is that supposed to be?? It looks like a normal car that some giant smushed down with his thumb. Kind of like Rich Garces, “El Guapo” that used to pitch for the Red Sox:

Grade: F

I re-designed a straight up beaut of a new uneven lanes sign myself:

Pretty much the same thing, but mine has duel exhaust, is built for speed and can handle all conditions that come at it. I win.

What is this? Some kind of warning sign that there are demon llama’s eating popcorn while it’s being popped? This wouldn’t make me slow down, I would drive faster so I could go check these things out and maybe grab some popcorn for myself.

Grade: F

Did Wario drop an oil slick in front of this shitty looking car? Is this some kind of sign trying to warn me that there’s a car dragging really huge pieces of spaghetti behind it?? These are very different scenarios, but I totally want to see Wario or huge pieces of spaghetti either way.

Grade: F

Tuning fork.

Grade: F

This one makes me think of clowns for some reason. If there are clowns ahead on the road, thanks for the warning. I’ll turn the fuck around. But if there aren’t clowns ahead, I really don’t see the point of this sign at all.

Grade: F

What the frig does this even mean?? It’s like one of those rebus puzzles (I had to google that by searching “mind over matter brain teaser”). I sucked at those things. You can screw yourself sideways if you were good at those things. Here’s one, just so I can piss everyone off (and if you think you’re a genius for getting Man Over Board or White Christmas, then you can eat a can of shit)

Grade: F minus

The next Sign better have a huge Z in the middle of it, because if it doesn’t, this sign means nothing to me.

Grade: F

This is obviously a warning that Tom Hanks is somewhere ahead in the middle of the road re-enacting that scene from the movie Big where he plays that big piano. Thanks for the heads up, I will definitely keep my eyes out for that.

Grade: C minus

How are these even traffic signs?? This is obviously a story about one line that is secretly in love with another, and leans in to kiss it, but gets denied. Then the line that denied the kiss changes its mind and goes to kiss the other one, but now that line has decided it isn’t interested any more. These signs are closer to a Shakespearean play than a warning to drivers about road conditions.

Grade: F