It isn't often that you put clothes on and they make you feel like you have magical powers. Not once in my entire adult life have I ever woken up, got dressed, and thought, "I am a real superhero. I'm gonna go stop some bad guys today. Then maybe I'll fly around for a while and go lift some cars up over my head a few times." Clothes don't do that for me. I don't know, maybe I'm just wearing the wrong stuff.
When I was little, I NEVER wore the wrong stuff. I always felt like a superhero. Every day. And it was primarily for one reason: underoos. You take a pair of tighty-whities and slap a superman logo on the butt, and boom! You're a superhero. I mean, check this out:
Even Superman is like, "Oh no! He's so strong and fast! I need to get out of the way or he might accidentally hit me and I'll go crashing through the wall!"
Underoos had all of the major players at that time. Want to be Batman? They had him. Want to be The Hulk? Yup, you can be The Hulk. Want to be OPTIMUS FRIGGING PRIME??? Oh hellllll yes!! Take a look at this commercial. You can't tell me me that any boy in his right mind would not DEMAND to his parents that they go directly to the store that instant and go buy him some undies...
I want to feel like I'm Optimus Prime. Instead I feel like Jabba the Hutt. And kind of look like him too. But if I could just throw some underpants on with my favorite character and suddenly feel like them, I would totally do it. Maybe some Jon Snow undies. Or Tony Soprano's face on my ass? I would feel unstoppable.
Want to know what my underwear has on it now? Skidmarks. And skidmarks don't exactly make you a superhero. Want to know what skidmarks make you?? A pooperhero. That means if I go out and try to lift a car over my head, I'll end up with turd city in my pants. Not quite as cool.
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